Thursday, January 04, 2007

i've found myself in this continuous battle where on hand i've been holding myself back and pushing people away in this strange attempt to keep myself from getting hurt and putting myself out there to break this chain of boredom and dissatisfaction. Maybe it's the New Year, but I've been doing some serious reflecting on everything i've done in the past, choices i've made, people i've cut out of my life... i've realized that for so long i've kept so many people in my life who have hurt me and i've been fine with it. I've always figured, the more the merrier and as long as i have people around, that's all that matters but its left me with so much baggage and loose ends with people and i'm at the point where I need this huge negative weight lifted off and i need to start being selfish and standing up for myself and do things that will make me happier.

I've been carefree and careless for as long as I can remember and it has lead to some awesome times yet here I am with soo many regrets that it makes me sick to my stomach. I've cared so much about what other people thought that i've been compromizing and sacrificing myself until the point of utter emptiness and there is nothing left to give. Recently I've been trying to regain pieces back and have been going through a lot of changes but in this attempt to regain and clean out my closet, ive left no room for anything else.

Can you be both carefree and careful? I don't think i've ever been both and i'm losing myself in this search for a balance. I'm pushing so much away with fear that its just going to be another thing i'm going to eventually have to fix and I hate that i've somehow spiralled myself into this safety-zone.. that can't be a good way to live life either. So in retrospect the bigger regret seems to be pushing people away.. the more I alienate myself, the more I feel alone.. maybe I can't win.. so is it a matter of what i regret less? is there ever going to be a balance? Am i ever going to be truely satisfied with how things are?

Bianca
12:09 AM