I'm caught at 2:11 in the morning, not able to sleep, contemplating who I am and who my friends are. Today I got into an arguement with a group of people who have chosen to go behind me and get mad at me over trivial matters. It ended up that my actions have been taken wrong and fingers have been pointed at me, though to an extent [such as last night] I HAVE been at fault. Recently I've been trying to figure many things out. Who my real friends are, what I want right now, who I am, where is my life going and I know that i've went on a little deture and made mistakes this summer - who hasn't. But I feel like I need to detatch myself from certain people in order to figure myself out. Some people are so quick to judge and are more than willing to point fingers looking for drama bullshit to gear towards someone other than themselves. It's as if they have everyone else figured out perfectly and they somehow have the right to pin point every flaw and mistake that I have made for as far as their memories will take them and use it against me, but what's interesting is that some of the people who do this, hardly even know me for who I am and haven't been around me for that long and they make accusations so easily that I'm terrified that If I make one wrong move all eyes would turn to me and judge me and grill me on every mistake - all hell might as well break loose. It's almost like they're expecting a valid excuse for me hanging out with different people this summer like I owe them one, or like I'm even supposed to manufacter an excuse. So should I be left to prove myself to them? How close are they to me anyways? In reality, how important am I to them? Is it worth fixing myself up for people who don't even know me in the first place? Wheres the boundry between making yourself a better person for you, and making yourself a better person for other people? and should it ever be for other people? I'm just so lost with whats important and where I am.. I wish graham were online so I could talk to him about this. Its funny how hypocritical people can be sometimes - I just don't know what to believe.. I'm so confused and lost with just about everything and I am so desperate for something constant and stable and for someone to just confide in. Cuz lately I think I've confided in some of the wrong people.
everything i do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong
but oh well
'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way
no, well o.k. then
don't cry
i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head
i know there's no grand plan here
this is just the way it goes
when everything else seems unclear
i guess at least i know
i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
and i do it just because i want to
because i want to
Bianca
2:58 AM